Insights drawn from Barrie’s experience

What ideas work in business?  Some are hard to quantify.  The bottom line on a financial report is usually the barometer for whether or not you got the outcome you wanted.  But if you keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome, it may be time to take a look at other options, other ways of reaching your goal. Here are some of Barrie’s Rants on everyday issues.

Latest Rants

Boxing Tony

I love Pardon the Interruption on ESPN.  I watch it everyday to get sports news in an interesting, humorous way.  Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser are clever, witty, and irreverent, not surprising since they both wrote for the Washington Post.

Kornheiser was recently suspended for two weeks by the network because he criticized Hannah Storm’s outfit, calling her dress too short and saying she was dressing like an 18 year old.  He made this comment on his radio show, not on the network.

Am I missing something?  Whether he was accurate or not, is this in such bad taste to merit a two-week suspension?  Where is our sense of humor?  I don’t think this is sexist, but maybe I’m insensitive.  If he said this about me, I guess my feelings would be hurt, but I wouldn’t get my mommy to spank him.

By the way, whichever fool decided to reprimand the Canadian gold medal women’s hockey team for smoking cigars and drinking champagne on the Olympic ice after the game, should join Kornheiser in the penalty box.

Haiti

Watching the awful events transpire in Haiti has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  The horrible images, juxtaposed with the magnificent response of the people in the U.S., have been incredible.

So often in the first ten years of this century, I haven’t been exactly proud of my country’s actions, but when we rise to the occasion as in Haiti, it feels really good to be an American.

Unfortunately, as in the case of the do-gooders orphanage in the Dominican Republic, some people over step their boundaries in the belief that they know what’s right for the world.  Our country gets a black eye for this, even when we are acting at our noblest.

The idea of heading for Haiti and rounding up a bunch of kids for export without proper authority is mind boggling.

We have friends in Haiti helping out.  They are doctors, and they’re giving their time and energy to help.  It’s nice to know people who put their money where their mouths are.  We should all take a lesson.

Random Musings

  1.  Santa Barbara is really great in the winter.  Please don’t move here.

  2.  I hope Jeff Bridges wins an Oscar.  You gotta support the home boys.

  3.  Have we beaten up Tiger enough, or must he be homeless with no friends and no golf clubs before

       we're all satisfied?

  4.  People who try to blow up planes suck!  Long security lines in airports suck, but not as much.

  5.  How can the NCAA claim they are protecting student athletes, if they license the athletes’ images for           video games with no money to the kids?

  6.  A high percentage of the world’s idiots are on our highways at any one time.  No matter where I                 drive, they are there.

  7.  I would pay to see Johnny Depp read the phone book.  What an actor.

  8.  I wouldn’t have played Peyton Manning in the last two meaningless games either.

  9.  Watch “Modern Family” and “Better off Ted.”  They are two great sit-coms, totally out of left field.

 10.  Drugstores keep getting smaller, and their inventory keeps shrinking, but the service is terrible.

Like a Rolling Stone

So, Tiger Woods screws around.  Michael Jordan gambles and smokes cigars. Charles Barkley gambles, drinks, and is fat.  John Daly used to be fat and drinks.  Bill Clinton used to be fat and uses cigars.

I don’t care about any of this.  I only care what the score is, and if somebody cheats on the field.

What I do care about is that our society, for some strange reason, expects athletes, movie stars, and politicians to be role models for our children.  The only true role models are parents.  Set an example for your children with ethical behavior.  Forget about outside role models, except maybe Bill and Melinda Gates, who are giving away so much money to worthy causes.

When you Screw Up, Fess Up

I love Tiger Woods.  He and Roger Federer are my two favorite athletes.  I love his intensity, his creativity, and his unwillingness to lose.

That said, Tiger has been pampered and has lived in a velvet bubble since he was a child.  Everyone around him said yes to his needs and wishes, and he has a long history of press management.  He was always great at creating an image that no one could really live up to.

Flash forward to the current screw up.  Forget the obvious ethical violations.  Guys like Tiger just don’t get it.  They can’t manage their way out of a crisis by silence.  Own up, express one’s mea culpas, and take one’s whipping.

I’m rooting for you, Tiger.  Come clean.  Mend your fences with your wife, if you can, and watch out for nine irons.

I'm Shameless

I published a book recently.  It’s called Nice Guys Finish First.  It took two years of drudgery and a lot of help from a lot of people.  I think it’s pretty good.  It’s funny and easy to read.  Many school kids could be helped by the titillating celebrity stories.  I think that if Obama read my book, he could balance the budget or stop the war. 

Please buy my book.  Christmas is coming, and Arlene needs a new outfit.

Give me the remote

Recently Arlene and I were watching The Office on television, when the plot line had all of the characters vomiting at the same time.  Unfortunately, we were eating dinner while we were watching, which helped me lose some weight the hard way.

Why do TV shows insist on showing spewing bodily fluids in abundance?  Arlene's least favorite scene has become the male urinal shot.  Both men talk to each other at the urinal, but we can plainly hear sounds of rushing water.  Thank God we are not allowed to see their pee pees or their pee pee, but you get the picture.

Characters are always conversing through the bathroom stall door, which I can do without, since I want quiet when I do my bidness.

It seems to me, if we can have all this fluidity, we should be able to have nudity, buy that's a Rant for another day.

Tennis Anyone?

I play a lot of tennis.  You would think that I’d be a better player, but the equipment has let me down.  For a long time I’ve known that if I could find the right racquet, it would put me on the tour.  But the racquet designers have failed me.  Maybe next year . . .

You can tell a lot about someone on the tennis court.  Some people make every call their way, some people are overly competitive.  I on the other hand am angelic, and if there were tennis sainthood, I’d be off to the Vatican.

I challenge anyone out there to a doubles match as long as my partner is named Roger and he’s from Switzerland.

I’ve been way too negative lately, so here are

20 People and things I love

• My wife (she made me say this)
• Bruce Springsteen - Girls, cars, and rock n’ roll
• Silver Oak Cabernet - Taste the vanilla
• Tiger Woods - The Zen assassin
• Paris - City of lights and food
• Pro Football - Large, quick people perform mayhem
• Roger Federer - Grace, charm, and the best tennis player I ever saw
• Foxen Pinot - Worth a trip to Santa Barbara
• Willie Nelson -  Yoda with a voice
• Buffet: Jimmy and Warren - Hell of a duo
• Massages - They rub me the right way
• Sydney - Upside down, but hell of a city
• The Rolling Stones - Still nasty and as old as me
• Kistler Chardonnay - Best American white wine for my money
• Barcelona - Paella and Flamenco, beautiful and passionate
• Bullocks Barbeque in Durham, NC - Southern gourmet
• “Curb Your Enthusiasm” - Neurotic and mean, can you beat it?
• Yank Sing Dim Sum in San Francisco
• Ferraris - Beautiful, fast, and way too expensive
• Rendezvous Ribs in Memphis - Dry, but uniquely flavorful

Maché Cliché

I watch too much television, so the paper maché heads eventually start to annoy the hell out of me with their endless clichés and vocal mannerisms.  Do any of these annoy anybody else?
  1.  You know - All NBA players must say this at least once a sentence.  Record of 8 in one sentence held         by North Carolina State basketball player.
  2.  If you will - New one heard mostly on financial channels.  It can be followed by if you won't.
  3.  Yes - A response after every answer.  Can also be OK.
  4.  N'est ce pas? - For smart people who watch the French channels.
  5.  This and that - In New Jersey it's dem and dose, also all that.
  6.  Random - Isn't everything?
  7.  Like - Can be inserted anywhere, almost as useful as you know.
  8.  Awesome - Used to describe yours truly.
  9.  At the end of the day - Veddy British.
10.  It is what it is - or it is what it ain't.
11.  Oh my - Dick Enberg, please shut up.
12.  You're fired - Goodbye the Donald.

Virtual Garbage

"If Ignorance is Bliss, Why Aren't There More Happy People?" is the name of a new book by USA Today writer, Craig Wilson.  Damn, I wish I'd said that.

In our age of tremendous information and communication, there are so many idiots Blogging, Tweeting, Facebooking, etc.  The amount of virtual garbage in the air is enough to drown us all in crap.  Speaking of Facebook, I once had a teacher who said, "Fool's names like fool's faces, are always found in public places.  (I have a Facebook page.)

How much virtual waste can the planet take?  Avert your eyes; it's similar to radioactivity.

All star team of crooks and miscreants

The votes are finally in for my all star team of crooks and miscreants.
First Base         Dick Fuld, CEO Lehman Brothers
                       Brother from another planet
Second Base     John Thain, CEO Merrill Lynch
                       Makes clubhouse feel comfortable by redecorating
Third Base        Ken Lay, CEO Enron
                       Power Hitter
Short Stop        Dennis Kozlowski, CEO Tyco
                       Great in the shower
Left Field          Richard Scrushy, CEO Health South
                       Good team prayer before games
Center Field      O.J. Simpson
                       Killer of a player
Right Field        Richard Nixon
                       Very tricky in the field
Catcher            Dick Cheney
                       Slow, bad shot, tortures opponents
Pitcher             Bernie Madoff
                       Excellent deception with pitches
Manager          Charles Ponzi
                       True Visionary

Things I hate

 1. Stickers on fruit

 2. Loud commercials

 3. Expensively packaged bottled water

 4. Being fat

 5. Motorcycles that go down the middle of freeway lanes

 6. Reality shows

 7. Dr. Laura

 8. Donald Trump

 9. Cilantro

10. Hip-hop

11. Wild fires

12. One-ply toilet paper

13. The Yankees

14. The Dallas Cowboys

15. T.O., Manny, A.I. (same person)

16. Angelina Jolie

17. Larry Kudlow and Jim Cramer (same person)

18. Nancy Grace

19. Jack Black

20. Donald Trump

It’s “BAD”

The insanity over Michael Jackson makes me want to puke.  All Michael, all the time is getting very old.  Soon we’ll have a cable channel only about Michael, probably MTV.

Yes, I know, it’s not about greed and money, it’s about the children, and I’m not talking about seven year old boys.  Let the guy die in peace.

He bought so much joy to so many people and got so little joy for himself.  He was such a tortured soul.

Al Sharpton and Jermaine Jackson are one hell of a pair.  They talk about him like he was some sort of saint, which he wasn’t.  The two of them are such media whores that they will say anything to get on television.  Where is Jesse Jackson (no relation), when we really need him.

I’m going to moonwalk out of here and go listen to “Thriller.”

Activism

I am lobbying for legislation about fortune cookies.  Arlene and I love Chinese food, so we are experts on the little cookies that look and taste like paper.

Fortune cookies imply a prediction of future events.  They should say things like, "you'll be dematerialized by a neutron bomb" or "you'll be rich by next Thursday."

An insidious trend lately is the platitude cookie.  They say things like, "you are a kind and generous person, and you are loved by people you give stuff to" or "the universe is kind, you stink."

Congress must act now.  Outlaw platitude cookies.  I need to know the future.

One step at a time

I'm Barrie, and I'm an addict.  I'm addicted to CNBC.  I watch it in the morning, when I have breakfast.  I watch it when the market goes up.  I watch it when the market goes down.  I watch my money disappear.  I watch it in the evening to get pissed off at fools like Larry Kudlow or buffoons like Jim Kramer.  I even watch it for prurient reasons to see the various money babes.

Why do I do this?  It's like watching a train wreck or a crash on the highway.  The fascination of financial Armageddon is so seductive.  I'm going to begin a 12-step program.  The first step is to admit I am powerless, which anyone can find out by asking any of my money managers.

Off with their heads

I am usually opposed to capital punishment, but there are a few crimes for which I could support the old needle.

One is leaving a grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot.  Anyone physically unable to return a cart to the front of Costco or Safeway shouldn't be licensed for their use in the first place.

Throwing beer bottles or any other refuse on the side of the road is another offense worthy of a firing squad.  Toss a cigarette butt in my yard, and watch the uzi come out.

Leavin' a mess in airplane bathrooms, when the sign plainly says to clean up, should get the perp the guillotine.  Anyone out there got any more?

Goodbye Dubai

Recently the fine folks in Dubai refused a visa to Shahar Peer, the female Israeli tennis player.  They said they couldn't be responsible for her safety.  When the women's tour became upset, Dubai relented and let the other Israeli, Andy Ram, play in the men's tournament a week later.  They obviously didn't care about his safety.

The WTA women's tour, in their wisdom, decided to play the tournament.  Venus Williams declared she was upset, but didn't want to harm the sponsors, so she played.  Roger Federer's back hurt and Rafael Nadal had bad knees, so neither played.

Andy Roddick was the only player with a strong enough ethical base and the cajones to announce that he was not playing because of what the country had done.  I have often questioned Roddick's maturity, but I am damn impressed with what he did.  He is my new hero.

Our world could use a few more people with the courage to take a stand, even if it hurts them financially.  Go get 'em Andy.

Three things I promise to do, if I'm elected President

1. Establish Bruce Springsteen's birthday as a National Holiday.

2. Get rid of Speed Bumps.  They irritate the hell out of me.

3. Forbid the use of Hot Air Blowers in public Restrooms.  Not very green of me, but paper towels get the

    job done.

Trump Triumphs

Television and the stock market have been searching for a bottom, but TV found it first.  Celebrity Apprentices is the worst our society can do.

Donald Trump and Joan Rivers in the same room, pontificating and bleating, is more than I can bear.  The rest of the fools on this show could only make the D-List by moving up the ladder.

Just when I think Trump can get no more shameless, he surprises me and slides lower into the gutter.  If you look up "slimy" in the dictionary, there's a picture of The Donald.  Watch this show at your own risk.  You've been warned.

The Emperor is wearing a collared shirt

I was turned away at a restaurant in New Orleans recently.  It was an awful, rainy night, and I was wearing a Ralph Lauren sweatshirt (something north of $100).  They walked us because I didn't have on a collared shirt.  Dress codes are so bizarre.  Since we were meeting friends, we walked back to the hotel in the rain, and I put on a collared shirt.

I won't name the restaurant (Antoine's), but they are still clinging to a faded reputation.  The back room we sat in looked like a barn.

Who cares what anybody wears?  Ties were originally gravy sops for the upper class, when no one could afford cloth.  What's the difference between a sport coat and a rock and roll jacket?  Step outside of your belief systems, people.  T-shirts and shorts for all!

The ten people and things that pissed me off the most in 2008

10. Angelina Jolie - She didn't adopt me.

9.  The New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, and mini-me Steinbrenner - Where's my contract?

8.  Oil - Up and down, up and down.  I'm getting car-sick.

7.  Tom Cruise - German officer with an eye patch, you bet!

6.  The Dallas Cowboys and Jerry Jones - Talk about a dysfunctional family!

5.  John Edwards - I can't believe I supported this jerk.

4.  Airlines and Detroit automakers (tie) - Stupidity reigns in the world.

3.  The Stock Market - Who cares about money?  I'm creating my own designer grocery cart.

2.  Elliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich (tie) - Politics make strange bed fellows and bed girls.

1.  Bernie Madoff

*Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney were ineligible because they were just too easy.

A sale to remember

Do I really want to die for old Walmart U?  Would I give my life for the company?  I'll bet the Walmart associate never expected to be killed guarding the insect repellant.

Walmart's idea of generating excitement was to create a frenzy, but they didn't have enough security.  The employee, who was 6'5" tall and weighed 270 lbs, would normally have been able to defend himself, but the crowd was so crazed that he never had a chance to avoid being trampled to death by an onslaught of bargain hungry shoppers.

Many of the shoppers were very upset, not because of the death, but because they couldn't take advantage of the Christmas sale prices.  It's hard to chose between the good guys and the bad guys in this situation.  "Greed is good," in the words of Gordon Gekko, but it didn't work so well in the Long Island Walmart.

Don't panic!

My daughter, Kim, sent me an Internet letter she had received about retail closings.  It said, "Beware of buying gift cards from ANY store this Christmas!" because basically they are all in trouble.

Kim and I agree that it's crap like this that causes panics.  God knows we've got enough problems without fools making them up.  Certainly some retailers are doing poorly and some are closing stores, but my guess is that the consumer will shop this Christmas and maybe sales will be down by 5% or 10%, but the world is probably not coming to an end.

Anybody with a computer and part of a brain is an expert on anything on the Net.  No experience or expertise is needed.  I once had a banker ask me, "What happens if Christmas doesn't come?"  I was dumbfounded because so far it has come every year.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - and idiots with a laptop.

Are you headed right, left or straight?

Are drivers nuts?  Do they have a religious opposition to turn signals?  Do they want someone from behind to run into them?  A driver in front of me slowed down to about 15 mph in a 40 mph zone.  I couldn't figure out what he was doing.  Finally, he stuck his arm out the window and started waving it.  Then he pulled off the road.  Obviously he was lost - really lost.  He didn't have a clue that there were other drivers on the road.  Our cars have turn signals.  Let's use them!

If you make a mess, clean it up!

If your dog takes a dump on the living room rug, you clean it up, right?  Well how about when you screw up?  Do you take responsibility?  Do you make it right?  Do you clean it up?

Would you blow that whistle loud and clear?

Although you've been suspicious for some time, you just realized that someone you work with has been embezzling money from the company you work for.  What do you do?  Do you turn him in?  It's an ethical  conundrum because typically whistle blowers are ostracized and often fired.   Are the consequences of  blowing the whistle worth the risk to keep your integrity in tact?  I know that I wouldn't hesitate; I'd blow that whistle loud and clear.  What would you do?

Take responsibility, damn it!

I was at the grocery store and accidentally backed into another car when I pulled out of my parking space.  I left a scratch on the other car's bumper.  Realizing that it could be a while before the person returned, I left my card on the windshield.  That afternoon the owner of the car called me.  She was so amazed that I left the note.  She said her friends criticized her when she left a similar note on a car.  They told her that nobody did that.  Well, why not?  If you screw up, fess up!

Sharing trumps greed and arrogance

Several years back a song writer wrote a country song.  When asked if a new recording group could use the song her husband wrote for her, she said, "No, it's my song.  They can't use it."  The group turned out to be the Dixie Chicks.  So . . . if you're not willing to share the spotlight with others, you might be spending some time in the dark - alone.

If you're nice to people, they will like you

Did it ever dawn on you that if you're nice to people, they'll like you?  Guess what happens when you're nice to someone - they're nice back.  No big surprise, right?  Besides being nice back, they're the ones who will be more willing to lend a hand when it's needed most.  Many people don't care if they're liked or not, but most people do care.  Think about it the next time you're rude to a friend, impatient with a significant other, or short with a colleague.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

I know a lot of managers are skittish about saying anything negative about former employees.  They're afraid they'll be sued.  I get it.  Lying on resumes is unethical, but it's done all the time.  People say they've got this degree or that, say they made so much at their last job.  I know of a case where an applicant took the application home to fill it out.  Turns out he was legally blind, but failed to indicate that when applying for a job as a chef.  You're just asking for trouble if you don't check references.  Be thorough or beware!  That chicken bone you're gnawing on . . . you sure that's chicken?

It just makes me sick!

CEO's are getting huge bonuses while layoffs are occurring in their companies.  That just makes me sick.  Where's the ethical barometer?  Where's the Board of Directors?  How can this be?  Someone should fire the CEO who got them in the jam in the first place!

How low can you go?

I hate to buy cars.  I always wonder if the guy before me got a better deal.  The whole negotiation is a bunch of crap.  They do this number about "let me see how low the manager will let me go."  My wife bought me a sports car a couple of years ago - a blue number that I had my eye on.  She didn't drive it, didn't peek inside, didn't negotiate, didn't even do the tire kicking thing.  She had fun.  I wonder what I could have gotten it for . . . and does it really matter?

Don't answer questions that start with "It's none of my business, but..."

I've been asked, "May I ask you a question that's none of my business?"  It's usually a personal question about why you do or don't do something.  This is a set up.  Be prepared to be judged.  There is no right answer to what you're about to be asked.  So...if you need permission to ask a personal question, maybe the question shouldn't be asked.

Are you a chump for change?

You pay for a few items at the drugstore and give the clerk a ten dollar bill.  He gives you change for a twenty.  What do you do?  Run like a rabbit or take the high road and hand over the extra ten bucks?  Say you're a distributor and your customer pays twice for the same large invoice.  Would you take the ethical high road?

Nobody listens – nobody follows through 
What’s the deal, when you give clear communication and the person you’re dealing with totally drops the ball?  “I forgot” or “I didn’t know it was that important” – yeah, right!  It’s time to drop the excuses. We live in a fast forward world – traveling at warp speed.  There’s no telling how much we miss.  Our world is a blur. It’s time to slow down, pay attention, listen, and follow through.

Meetings are over-rated
Meetings suck.  Any meeting that goes more than two hours is poorly planned and poorly executed.  Conference calls suck even more.  So why do they drag on and on?  So executives can hold court?  Decide what the issues are, make decisions, go home and play tennis.

Not making a decision is a decision
We make decisions every day.  We don’t have to do anything; we choose to do it.  If you show up late for work – guess what!  You made that choice.  Yeah, yeah, I know . . . there was traffic, you got a phone call as you were walking out the door.  Hey!  What would happen if you made a decision to get up 15 minutes earlier . . .